Musings.

so unbelievably upset for a reason which i cannot justify.  this always happens.  i apparently cannot stay happy for more than a few weeks at a time.  something always goes on, there’s always some sort of negative thought in my head, some stupid situation that brings me to the point where i get like this all over again.  it’s like my emotions are caught in a maelstrom every moment of my life.  they just do not stop spinning and pulsating and switching and moving and they consume whatever is around me.  i hate it.  i’m trying not to be this way but i’m starting to believe it might just be the way i am.  it’s detrimental to people around me and to myself and i wish i could make it stop.  ugh.  i seriously hate my mind sometimes.  i’ve so often actually and legitimately wanted to kill myself, and i talk about that openly because it’s part of me and it’s something that has happened, and i don’t see why i should keep it to myself.  there have been days where i’ve hated myself so much that i’ve wanted to tear my own throat out with my hands, and why, because anxiety manifests itself in so many disgusting and terrifying ways that i sometimes cannot handle them when they arrive.  it’s horrifying to read this as i write it, or to hear myself think it, or to know i’ve thought it and have wanted it, because it is not me at all, and i do not actually wish to die (in my regular state of mind).  but it continues to occur and i don’t think it’s healthy.  regardless of my life situation, this will happen.  it always does.  and it makes me seem sick and unstable, and i’m not sure if that’s it, or if i really need to find out where the fuck i stand in my life and what i want and where i need to end up.  i just want things to work, and i want people to stop bullshitting me for absolutely no reason, and to stop taking advantage of trusting them and treating them well and like fellow human beings…i will never understand why people lie to me, or to each other, and conduct themselves like absolute jackasses.  why must there almost always be a catch to things?  the person i want to be with is 4 hours away from me.  the only jobs available right now are fucking shit retail or food service jobs that induce massive anxiety attacks in me.  and everything costs money.  MONEY, AGH!  i hate money, too.  fuck.  FUCK!